Saturday, 26 February 2011

I miss you!

So, I thought I better explain myself. I have been very absent recently, mainly because I’m feeling pretty absent in myself (if that makes sense).

I don’t know how to fully explain, not really sure I know how I feel right now but I was hoping that if I put it down, it may help me somehow – hope you don’t mind my ramblings!

I have mentioned this in a previous post but only briefly and I really hope you don’t mind me rambling on about it and I definitely hope you don’t think I’m attention seeking – I just need to get it all out and I don’t really have anyone I can speak to anyone in my world right now.

On the 12th March 1996 my life changed completely. My elder brother, who was 13 at the time (I was 9), was having some problems in school with some older boys which had been going on for a little while. I’m not really sure what happened during that day, but something did and things must have just gone from bad to worse, I’m really not sure, but he made a decision that day to take his own life.

I can remember the day so clearly, even though it was so long ago. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. It had snowed all day and it was absolutely freezing. I had spent the evening round at my best friend’s house because my brother and her sister were supposed to be going to karate practice together. By 7pm, we were absolutely starving because we still hadn’t had dinner and her parents seem to be in and out of the house but not saying anything. I remember going to the loo and catching her eldest sister, who was 14 at the time crying and wondering what had gone on, and why no-one was saying anything. Then a knock came at the door and my mum was there with a police man, in total bits clearly trying to hold things together. My initial thoughts went straight to my dad – he worked away as a long distance lorry driver at the time and was in France. But then I noticed my brother wasn’t there, and I don’t know how, but it just hit me – complete and utter shock and I just broke down followed by quite a lot of vomiting. I don’t think it was until about half an hour after they had arrived that I actually found out what had happened, but by then I was in a complete an utter daze.

We stayed at my friend’s house that night-I don’t any of us got any sleep at all, and my poor dad was being flown home from France where my mum had had to break the news to him over the phone. I can’t imagine how he felt being so far away and all on his own.

The next few days were pretty much a blur – I went back to school after a day off, I went to a very small school so it was pretty much like family there and I think it did me good to get back to normality, but I spent most of the time asleep in the library because, well none of us were sleeping at home.

Then the funeral came-I remember the church being absolutely packed, with people having to stand outside because there was no room inside for them to sit. He had so many friends – he really mustn’t of realised this!

This year, it will be 15 years since this all happened – and if I’m completely honest, I’m really not coping with it all. Over the years, I have come to realise that death really is just a part of life – in 1997, my best friend passed away after a long hard battle with cancer. A few years later my granddad was taken by the same disease, a few years after that my Uncle passed away in a motorbike accident and along the way, it really has just made me realise that death is a part of life but I can explain all the other deaths I’ve experienced and I think that’s what I’m finding difficult to cope with – I don’t know why, for sure, my brother did what he did and I have so many questions which will never be answered.

Obviously, every year is upsetting around this time – whenever I think about him it’s upsetting any time of the year, but 15 years seems like such a long time to not have someone in your life. He’s missed out on so much and I often, on a daily basis if I’m honest, wonder what he would have said about some of my life choices. 

I think the worst thing for me, is seeing his friends now – what they have achieved in their lives which turns in to more questions which just can’t be answered.

I have had counselling – and if I’m honest, it’s the best thing I have done. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not for everyone – I had tried it when I was about 13 and it really didn’t do anything for me, but when my Uncle passed away, I had a breakdown and couldn’t really see the point in anything-I felt very victimised (pathetic I know)! But luckily, my head of sixth form took no messing and sent me within a day of acting out, straight to see the counsellor. I’ll be honest, I spent the first 3 sessions in silence – I wasn’t a nutter that needed to see a shrink, but then on the 4th session, we just clicked and I spent the next year and half of sixth form spending an hour a week with her and she was just amazing! She knew exactly how to get things out of me without asking and she really did help me! I can honestly say, with her, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Unfortunately, she was the schools counsellor and I was off to Uni so, once sixth form finished, so did the sessions. We have stayed in touch, catching up every now and then but I’ve been Ok the last few years. And I am still ok – I’m just having a rough patch.

I’m really sorry if I’m rambled, or this is totally inappropriate, but I needed to get it down, mainly to clear things up in my own head – if that makes any sense to you at all!

I have the best friends in the world, even if they do live hundreds of miles away (thousands in one case) and they put up with my babbling and sniffling when needed without any hesitations but right now, I don’t think I’m ready to actually talk to someone about this – I would probably just break down crying and make no sense what so ever!

I am extremely grateful for all I have in life please don’t get me wrong, but I think we all have a few wobbles along the way – and this is mine. 

More than ever, whenever I think of my brother, do I realise that life really is for living and I think everyone really does take that for granted! I know it’s not possible to just do whatever you like – life doesn’t work like that, but I think a little less worrying would do us all some good.

Lots of love! XXX

Monday, 14 February 2011

Weekend 017

Friday: So tonight was a night spent rushing around – the bf is off to Cardiff for the weekend to watch Rugby
League with the boys so tonight was spent getting last minute bits and bobs, packing and most importantly, him cooking me a lovely big chilli pot ready for my Sat night in with the girls.

Saturday: Making the most of an empty house, the music was on full blast and I spent the morning/afternoon having a good spring clean! The weather was lovely today so made the most of it and had the doors and windows open – oh how nice it is to see some sun shining, it really does brighten the mood!
Sat night was spent having a good old fashioned girly night in – the wives and girlfriends (within the bf’s friendship group) came round for dinner (we had the chilli which was made by the bf) with lots of wine and wedding chatter! One of the group recently got engaged and 4 of us other halves’ will be bridesmaids on the big day – let the planning commence! I am completely in my element here – my ultimate job would be an event’s organiser and specifically weddings, I love everything about them, I am one of those girls that has dreamt about her wedding day forever and have been planning my own since I was about 10!It was a lovely night, and I think I can start to tick off one of my goals for this year – to socialise more as I don’t usually meet up with these girlies this much, but we have vowed to change this and make it a more regular occurrence – Yay for having friends hehe!

Sunday: Today was spent in Chester valentines shopping – not for me I may add, but for my little brother who wanted to get his girlfriend someone little although he refused to buy a card which had any reference to Love on/in it – 13 yr old boys ey?! After taking him back home, I quickly departed before being collared to staying at the parents for a while, and headed home for an evening of trashy tv which included One Tree Hill (wedding special), Gossip Girl and Dancing on Ice – perfect lazy Sunday!

Hope you all had a fab weekend and having a fab Valentines day - whatever you may be up to! XX

Sunday, 13 February 2011

A classic...

I have been on the look out for a classic mac for the spring months (that hopefully will be with us sooner rather than lately) and I have seen quite a few that I have liked very much, but I am trying to save some pennies (for a special trip out to Oz in the summer) so opted to take a trip to the good old Primark and see what they had on offer, and they didn't disappoint!

I picked this lovely basic mac for a very purse friendly £23 - not bad eh?!

The picture isn't showing very well, but it's more of a very dusky pinky beige colour rather than just beige, which I like very much!

I'm very happy with the purchase - it's not the most amazing mac in the world, but it will definitely see me through the spring U

Saturday, 12 February 2011

A bun in the oven...

Not my oven hehe but one of my best friends (who I was chief bridesmaid for back in September) is pregnant!

This has been a mega shock to the system for our whole group - this will be the first baby in our group so I don't think we're all quite prepared for how things are going to change!

You're probably wondering why I'm telling you about my friend, well, I need some help from you, if you can?

I'll hold my hands up-I am not a very child friendly person - I have never ever wanted to have any of my own, and still can't see a future with any of my own kids. Many people over the years have tried to talk me out of that, telling me once I have my own I'll think differently, and maybe people do, but I (at this present moment in time) don't want to find out. I totally agree with the whole 'never say never' because I am only 24 at the moment and I MAY change my mind in years to come, but for me right now, I can't see that happening.

So here's my dilemma - I love my friend and therefore will be madly in love with her little bambino I'm sure and I want to spoil it rotten. She is due in August and I plan to pick up a few little nick nacks every month on pay day and create a hamper for both mummy and baby!

I have bought a lovely wicker basket, and a few little bits (a pack of sleep suits, a blankets and winnie the pooh bibs) but what would you put in the hamper - for both mummy and baby? If you're a recent mummy, what did you absolutely miss when pregnant? And what would you have liked for your baby?

Any help would be much appreciated!

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Weekend 016

Friday: I spent the whole of Friday evening getting my hair coloured! OK, so I am extremely lazy and I haven't had my hair coloured since September - now you're probably thinking, that's a bit long but not too bad, but remember, I am blonde! My roots were literally half way down my head-I am so ashamed of myself! But I just kept putting it off due to cost and then trying to book an appointment-well honestly, I was just lazy! Luckily for me though, one of my closest friends (pretty much family) is currently on her second year of hairdressing at college and has finally learnt the art of foils and kindly did mine! Because she's only just learnt though, it did take much longer than usual, but definitely worth the numb bum I got!

Saturday: I spent the day leisurely pottering around the house and doing a few chores before heading off for a girly night out in Chester! One of my besties is heading off to London to start a new job next weekend so this was supposed to be a sending off/girly night out but unfortunately she returned home from her Safari holiday with food poisoning so was unable to make it u! There was still 4 of us out for the night and me and one other actually stayed in a hotel (even though we only live 30mins away) - made it feel like we were on a small holiday hehe! And I don't know if they do this in your towns, but when walking back to the hotel, heels in hand (classic me at the end of ANY night out) some Angels (Street Pastors) gave me some flip flops - I could have cried with relief! I think it's an amazing scheme and every city should have these Angels! 

Sunday: Today has been spent very much doing nothing - I arrived home early morning and have spent the day being a lazy bum!I'm now looking forward to my lamb shank din dins, dancing on ice and evening of...nothing - perfect Sunday activities! 

Hope you all had a fab weekend!

Toodle pips my lovelies!