So, I thought I better explain myself. I have been very absent recently, mainly because I’m feeling pretty absent in myself (if that makes sense).
I don’t know how to fully explain, not really sure I know how I feel right now but I was hoping that if I put it down, it may help me somehow – hope you don’t mind my ramblings!
I have mentioned this in a previous post but only briefly and I really hope you don’t mind me rambling on about it and I definitely hope you don’t think I’m attention seeking – I just need to get it all out and I don’t really have anyone I can speak to anyone in my world right now.
On the 12th March 1996 my life changed completely. My elder brother, who was 13 at the time (I was 9), was having some problems in school with some older boys which had been going on for a little while. I’m not really sure what happened during that day, but something did and things must have just gone from bad to worse, I’m really not sure, but he made a decision that day to take his own life.
I can remember the day so clearly, even though it was so long ago. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. It had snowed all day and it was absolutely freezing. I had spent the evening round at my best friend’s house because my brother and her sister were supposed to be going to karate practice together. By 7pm, we were absolutely starving because we still hadn’t had dinner and her parents seem to be in and out of the house but not saying anything. I remember going to the loo and catching her eldest sister, who was 14 at the time crying and wondering what had gone on, and why no-one was saying anything. Then a knock came at the door and my mum was there with a police man, in total bits clearly trying to hold things together. My initial thoughts went straight to my dad – he worked away as a long distance lorry driver at the time and was in France. But then I noticed my brother wasn’t there, and I don’t know how, but it just hit me – complete and utter shock and I just broke down followed by quite a lot of vomiting. I don’t think it was until about half an hour after they had arrived that I actually found out what had happened, but by then I was in a complete an utter daze.
We stayed at my friend’s house that night-I don’t any of us got any sleep at all, and my poor dad was being flown home from France where my mum had had to break the news to him over the phone. I can’t imagine how he felt being so far away and all on his own.
The next few days were pretty much a blur – I went back to school after a day off, I went to a very small school so it was pretty much like family there and I think it did me good to get back to normality, but I spent most of the time asleep in the library because, well none of us were sleeping at home.
Then the funeral came-I remember the church being absolutely packed, with people having to stand outside because there was no room inside for them to sit. He had so many friends – he really mustn’t of realised this!
This year, it will be 15 years since this all happened – and if I’m completely honest, I’m really not coping with it all. Over the years, I have come to realise that death really is just a part of life – in 1997, my best friend passed away after a long hard battle with cancer. A few years later my granddad was taken by the same disease, a few years after that my Uncle passed away in a motorbike accident and along the way, it really has just made me realise that death is a part of life but I can explain all the other deaths I’ve experienced and I think that’s what I’m finding difficult to cope with – I don’t know why, for sure, my brother did what he did and I have so many questions which will never be answered.
Obviously, every year is upsetting around this time – whenever I think about him it’s upsetting any time of the year, but 15 years seems like such a long time to not have someone in your life. He’s missed out on so much and I often, on a daily basis if I’m honest, wonder what he would have said about some of my life choices.
I think the worst thing for me, is seeing his friends now – what they have achieved in their lives which turns in to more questions which just can’t be answered.
I have had counselling – and if I’m honest, it’s the best thing I have done. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not for everyone – I had tried it when I was about 13 and it really didn’t do anything for me, but when my Uncle passed away, I had a breakdown and couldn’t really see the point in anything-I felt very victimised (pathetic I know)! But luckily, my head of sixth form took no messing and sent me within a day of acting out, straight to see the counsellor. I’ll be honest, I spent the first 3 sessions in silence – I wasn’t a nutter that needed to see a shrink, but then on the 4th session, we just clicked and I spent the next year and half of sixth form spending an hour a week with her and she was just amazing! She knew exactly how to get things out of me without asking and she really did help me! I can honestly say, with her, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Unfortunately, she was the schools counsellor and I was off to Uni so, once sixth form finished, so did the sessions. We have stayed in touch, catching up every now and then but I’ve been Ok the last few years. And I am still ok – I’m just having a rough patch.
I’m really sorry if I’m rambled, or this is totally inappropriate, but I needed to get it down, mainly to clear things up in my own head – if that makes any sense to you at all!
I have the best friends in the world, even if they do live hundreds of miles away (thousands in one case) and they put up with my babbling and sniffling when needed without any hesitations but right now, I don’t think I’m ready to actually talk to someone about this – I would probably just break down crying and make no sense what so ever!
I am extremely grateful for all I have in life please don’t get me wrong, but I think we all have a few wobbles along the way – and this is mine.
More than ever, whenever I think of my brother, do I realise that life really is for living and I think everyone really does take that for granted! I know it’s not possible to just do whatever you like – life doesn’t work like that, but I think a little less worrying would do us all some good.
Lots of love! XXX